I’m a 45-year-old gay man and long-time resident of NYC, sharing my intricate journey with Judaism and personal identity. Growing up in a conservative/modern Orthodox household in Pittsburgh, PA was challenging. My father played the traditional patriarch, and my mother, though raised secular, embraced the role of a Jewish housewife. The rules were rigid, and following them was the only way to pursue personal interests.

My early education in an Orthodox Jewish school revealed learning disabilities and signs of depression. A switch to a school with resources for learning issues didn’t ease the challenges. Bullied and isolated, I failed most of my courses, leading my parents to consider alternatives, eventually transferring me to a local public elementary school. It was eye-opening, exposing me to diverse backgrounds and perspectives.

Realizing my homosexuality in 8th grade, I came out in high school. Seeking guidance, my father consulted an orthodox Jewish psychotherapist, fearing judgment or attempts to change me. Thankfully, the experience was positive and influenced my career choice as a counselor.

As I distanced myself from Judaism, questioning its existence and abandoning traditions, it continued to linger in the background. Despite my agnosticism, I found unexpected solace in Jewish rituals during my father’s illness and death. Later, I married a man with a different Jewish background, and our separation after 20 years led me to a unique discovery during the COVID-19 pandemic.

Alone for the first time, I connected with Lab Shul, an experimental Jewish congregation, attending their virtual Jewish meditation ritual, “Soul Spa.” The experience ignited a spark, rekindling my connection to Judaism and offering a welcoming space for self-discovery. Today, I find solace in this inclusive Jewish community, rediscovering and embracing my Jewish identity. With the horrific events of October 7, 2024 looming in the background, I find myself more proud and wanting to deepen my relationship with Jewish identity.